Recently, I had the honour of hosting a live on Malini’s Girl Tribe with one of my favourite humans, Shayamal Vallabhjee. But before I tell you all about the session, let me quickly tell you about the man himself. He has one of the most interesting backstories you’ve probably heard. So, basically he’s a monk turned sports scientist and psychologist (I know, right? Amazing!). Which is why he backs his opinions with science. He grew up in South Africa, where he wanted to become a professional cricket player, however, because he was Indian, it was tough for him to fulfil his dream. So, at a young age, he turned to his spiritual side. After which he studied science where he learned the physiology of the body and he was taught to optimise the full potential of a human. He’s worked with the Indian Cricket Team, Kings XI Punjab, many tennis stars like Mahesh Bhupathi, Sania Mirza and more.
Before we went live, I asked him what he’d want to discuss during our session and he brought up childhood trauma. Now, when he said these words, I immediately agreed before he could explain his thought. The reason was, that this topic instantly resonated with me and I wanted the tribe to know about it too.
So, here’s everything I gathered from our session.
What does Shayamal specialise in?
Shayamal works on a very niche therapy called schema therapy. Which basically studies and analyses patterns. There are 18 such programs that are developed to help a child cope with childhood trauma. And because we don’t address these issues, it results in something called ‘maladaptive behaviour pattern’ among adults. This does not let many adults live a fully wholesome and fulfilling life. Enter Shayamal!
What exactly is childhood trauma?
By large, it means that anywhere between the age of 2-10, an incident might occur in a child’s life that may have subconsciously programmed their mind to think in a certain way, and that program has now become the person’s reality. For example, a schema called subjugation that explains, when one grows up in an environment where every decision of their life is made by their parents (even if they thought of doing something else) the child loses their autonomy. In this process, once they reach adulthood, this person is unable to make decisions for themselves.
Shayamal mentioned that a child needs stability, safety and nurturing. When they go through abuse, one of these three things is removed, hence, it is tough for them to trust another human again. And because of that, and adult is unable to enjoy the beautiful moments in life because they always think that it will be taken from them.
How can one address childhood trauma?
One can notice patterns and figure out if something is amiss. He mentioned something called ‘unrelenting standards‘ which is when a child is so in need of their parents’ love that they know if they work harder, they’ll receive more love. So, the child is held hostage to that thought and they end up setting really high standards for themselves because, inside their head, they think the harder they work, the more love they will receive. This in turn, as adults, makes you stall important ventures and procrastinate as you know that the outcome of that is not a guarantee, so, the person doesn’t even begin it in fear of failing. So, one should recognise these patterns early on, in order to deal with them.
How can parents help in avoiding or dealing with this trauma?
Shayamal mentioned that there is no fixed formula as every child and situation is different. As a parent, one has to be emotionally present, listen and gauge their child’s behaviour. This is tricky because childhood trauma can be seeded with just merely one single incident sometimes. So, parents should be mindful and recognise patterns that are non-verbal like their sleeping patterns, eating patterns, what the child is saying or how they’re even dressing up. What parents should collectively understand is their definitive roles in the life of their child in order to not confuse them.
How can one deal with this as an adult?
Be mindful! That’s all you need to do. Once you’re mindful and attentive, you’ll have enough time to process a situation. It gives you time to introspect and heal. As Shayamal rightly said,
Mindfulness creates a world of possibilities between intention and action.
Here’s how you can be mindful on a daily basis:
1. Practice solitude
Which means be by yourself, without any phone, laptop or TV. Just start being comfortable with yourself. And then focus on your breath. A simple in and out breathing process is what you can focus on first. Then you can intensify this by focusing on the temperature of air that’s going in your body and coming out.
2. Carve out distraction from your life
The thing that can rock the mindfulness boat, are distractions. So, focus on one thing at a time and don’t multitask. For example, if you’re watching TV, don’t eat at the same time.
3. Be flexible
Your inability to change things and lack of control of your emotions can undercut your happiness. So, be open and welcoming to change and improvement.
There’s so much I learned from this session and I’m so glad I could share this with the Tribe too! If you have any questions related to childhood trauma or mindfulness, please let us know in the comments below and we’ll ask Shayamal!
We often have such conversations on Malini’s Girl Tribe. To be a part of them, join the Tribe here.