Ex-Bigg Boss contestant Priya Malik is recapping Bigg Boss season 10 for us. You can read her recaps here. Follow her on Twitter: @PriyaSometimes.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.
So, ladies (and some gents), this weekend, I almost had an orgasm when Swami ji was announced for eviction. Yes, my oorja almost got patan’ed. Please note the usage of the word “almost” because, dang, he was put in a secret room. Bigg Boss, I think we need to break up already!
The episode begins with Swami ji singing a song about himself (so shocking). We then cut to the housemates being told about an Immunity Medallion (which allows them to be safe from two evictions henceforth).
*insert dramatic music*
*insert smoke fog on the medallion*
The housemates are called to the activity area which looks nothing less dramatic than an abattoir with flickering dim lights and smoke machines (still less smog than New Delhi). They are supposed to bid an amount upto 25 lakhs to get the medallion and the highest bidder wins. While Monalisa (Dull Lake) bids only 1,12,001, Nitibha wins it by bidding 24,9,994. She must be feeling lucky (it’s a Google reference, you guys!).
PS: They are also told that this bidding money is deducted from the total prize amount (haha). They all hug and congratulate Nitibha while cursing her in their heads. Later, the commoners discuss how they feel about losing to Nitibha and she tells us that 4 is her lucky number (I bet she was going to be the fourth one to leave the show too, but, oh well!)
We then see Gaurav and Bani indulging in role play (Gaurav asks Bani random questions in Bigg Boss’ voice) which is so exciting that I don’t even need a lullaby to be put to sleep. Bani teaches some fitness techniques to Lokesh (as suggested by Salman during the weekend show) and due to lack of footage, Swami ji copies them in his secret chamber. Swami ji then watches Monalisa dancing on chadhti jawaani and comments “Iss bhudape main jawaani kahan se laaogi Mona?”. I love the way he talks about his beti. He is so paternal. He is the real bapu. He also comments on how garish her dancing is but does not fail to copy her moves anyway. Itne bhudape mein!
The housemates woke up to Mere piya gaye rangoon and begin anticipating phone calls from home. We hear Bani and Monalisa getting emotional with Bani imagining a phone call with her lover. A massive villainous looking chair (more active than Rahul Dev) has apparently been placed in the garden area along with a telephone. Bani becomes the first person to answer the phone and is hence nominated automatically, however, she gets an option to save herself. Bigg Boss tells her that if she convinces Gaurav to bleach his eyebrows, then she can save herself. When Gaurav denies it, she says “Fuck you, Gaurav!” So mature. Much strength.
Given some passive aggressive comments about lifelong friendship from Bani, he agrees to do it (Fuck you, Gaurav) and hence, Bani gets saved from nominations. We never really see her thanking Gaurav for it but we do see her questioning him further if he wants her to bleach her eyebrows too and if he is already regretting his decision. Gaurav clarifies that he didn’t do it for friendship and that he only did it because someone asked for his help. At this point Bani reminds me of a nagging girlfriend who goes like this:
“Baby, do I look good?”
“Yes”
“How good?”
“Good enough”
“What? Good enough? You were supposed to say perfect”
“OK, you look perfect”
“Now, you’re saying it because I said so!” *cries* *whinges* *Iooks terrible doing it*
Bani nominates Rohan to sit on the chair and he is asked to convince Karan to shred (which Rohan hears as sweat, swead, and ultimately shred) the family picture that he received on karvachauth to save him. While Karan takes some time to brainstorm, Bani attempts to sway him from it. Karan agrees to shred (you hear that Rohan? SHRED) his wife’s picture and cries less than Monalisa (whaa?) while doing it.
Rohan nominates Monalisa because she has a back problem (reason cited by Rohan for nomination?). Monalisa firmly places her backside in the chair and awaits a phone call from Bigg Boss. Manu is instructed to destroy the doll that he received from home at Diwali to save Mona. He readily agrees and Mona calls him “baby” too. He cries while dismembering the doll (more than he ever cries at insulting a woman) and Monalisa looks at him like she is ready to either marry or adopt him. She nominates Nitibha and hugs Manu the way Nora refused to hug Prince last season.
We see Manu crying with no tears (just like fish sleep with open eyes) and Monalisa holds his hand while thinking about her next Bhojpuri film. Manu decides that another place to cry loudly (without us noticing the absence of tears) is the bathroom and hence cries loudly as he locks himself in it. Nitibha chooses to use one of two “safe” options from the immunity medallion and nominates Gaurav. He is instructed to convince Bani to dip her Diwali gown (gifted to her by Gauahar) in paint and then destroy it. In order to return the favour to Gaurav, Bani agrees to do it.
Gaurav nominates Manu (which is silly because Manveer will readily do anything for him). It is interesting that he doesn’t choose to nominate Lokesh or Navin, both of whom do not have strong allies in the house and hence would have had less chances of being saved. Fuck your brains, Gaurav! We intermittently see Swami ji wearing headphones and watching the house antics and breathing heavily as he prays for world peace (I bet he wants that more than world peace).
The task comes to an end and we see Manu complaining about his loss of haemoglobin at having to have dealt with Swami ji (I have lost an orgasm due to him, Manu. That’s way more important than haemoglobin). And, we also hear him complaining about having to live with Nitibha (not feeling lucky). The episode ends with Swami ji asking the public to vote Manu out of the show.
Well, how about you use your divine powers for a change, my eternal ever growing radiantly bright peace of shizz?
PS: I was about to crack an immunity joke about Kashmir
PPS: I decided it will be too unsafe.
Yours bitchfully,
Bitch Boss