Ex-Bigg Boss contestant Priya Malik is recapping Bigg Boss season 10 for us. You can read her recaps here. Follow her on Twitter: @PriyaSometimes.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.
Maha episode = Maha asli tatti.
Yes.
Are you ready?
We begin the episode with Manoj, Manveer, Naveen and Lokesh jamming to a song they’ve written for Big Boss. Cute. But, cute is not what this Maha episode is all about. This is the calm before the storm. Breaking views. I mean, breaking news! *music tempo increases*
Celebrities are called to the activity area and presented with the next riddle which refers to a contestant whose mother rolls out beedis for a living. Celebrities begin to discuss and Gaurav mentions how it could be Naveen until Rohan mentions how it could be Priyanka and Gaurav is convinced. When asked by Bigg Boss to reveal the name, they take Priyanka’s name and she gets super offended by it and says “My mom is lawyer” which is missing an article before the word “lawyer.” If only her mom were also an English teacher, she would know that.
In her tirade against this presumption, she is completely insensitive to the fact that another commoner’s mother (in this case, Naveen’s) actually rolls out beedis for a living (which I think is a totally cool and badass profession). At this point, can I mention that any mother who does anything at all to bring up her children well, deserves a salute, whether your mother is an astronaut or a beedi roller or even a homemaker. But, Priyanka, who is also ironically a mother, believes that lawyer mumma’s uterus > beedi mumma’s uterus, because… I don’t know why.
Instead of drilling some sense in Princess Priyanka, the commoners begin to console their Princess – except Nitibha and Akanksha, who realise that Priyanka’s tantrum is insensitive to the common man. When they go inside to face her, surprisingly it is Naveen (who should have actually been the one to stand proudly by his life’s truth) who does not let Nitibha speak. Even though I appreciate the struggle Naveen has been through in his life, he has time and again proved to me that his intellectual demeanour is as fake as Kanhaiya Kumar‘s doctored JNU video. Enough said.
On Priyanka’s orders, my ovarian son Rohan feeds her some water in the middle of the night by placing the cup to her mouth (Yasss, king). He is an ‘almost rebel’ and me likey! Priyanka wants to punish him by making him wash her clothes (she needs to get more creative with her punishments) and Swami ji screams disrespectfully at Akanksha and Nitibha for not standing up for Priyanka’s respect. How respectful of him!
Priyanka also threatens Rohan that she will spill dirt on his past if he continues rebelling against her tyranny. Rohan apologises for his rebellion and goes to jail (disappointing) while Priyanka continues to badmouth him and his family. At this point, my ovaries slowly begin to detach themselves from him. Sigh, ladies. He is available for adoption now.
Princess Priyanka also declares to the celebrities that “I am come from a very nice family.” Ahem *clears throat*. Gaurav, Karan and Rahul discuss Rohan’s rebellion and we learn that he is 27 years old. What? What does he use? Santoor? Kyunki uski twacha se toh uski umr ka pata hee nahi chalta! And, I had him when I was 2 years old? Swami ji will totally call me Charitraheen. Bani floats in the background of this conversation like she always does. I am highly disappointed in Bani so far. She hasn’t taken a stand or a stance on any matters in the house. Looking tough and being tough are two different things and she is only acing the former. But, she did give us Asli Tatti. #NeverForget
We cut to the brahmchari Swami ji who needs no material comforts, who spends 22 hours a day working for world peace and who saves our country from massive missiles, committing petty theft. Yes. I am sure he does this under the influence of 104 degrees fahrenheit fever. (#AmIRight?) We see him spraying his moobs vigorously with someone’s deodorant so vigorously that you would almost think he lactates body odour. He then hides the deodorant in a towel and sneaks it away with him. This deodorant has now gone on a spiritual retreat.
Imagine an Axe deodorant ad with Swami ji. You can actually imagine an Axe deodorant ad with Swami ji because tharak always goes a notch up with Axe. #BowDownToMe
Housemates wake up the next morning to Bach ke rehna re baba and Monalisa springs into a step. This is usually the only time during the day when she steps out of Da Vinci’s painting and comes to life. Priyanka then laughs and trivialises Karvachauth on the dining table and eats a meal claiming that because her pati is angrez, she doesn’t fast for him. Remember this because we will refer to this later.
The celebrities are called back in the activity area and presented with the remaining few riddles. They engage in some useless discussion which, considering their past record, will lead to no use. Post this, they engage in conversations with the commoners and pretend to be actually interested in knowing them. At this point, looking at their actings skills, one can easily understand why most of their careers are on a downward spiral. As expected, they get all the secrets wrong and continue being slaves.
The most amazing secret obviously belongs to the Princess. She is the self proclaimed moon with no blemishes. Dayum girl. Scientifically speaking, there are actually around 181,000 craters on the moon and I bet that the blemishes in Priyanka’s moral fibre are no less than that number.
We learn that Karan Mehra is also observing Karvachauth and all the girls go awww on him. I agree it is cute but I have never heard anyone go awww for the countless number of women who do it every year. In the meantime, Swami ji also tells Lopa how he only solves global issues and not personal issues for the public. If there is one issue that I really want him to solve then it is about his oorja patan. Swami ji just needs to get laid. Swami ji needs to get on Tinder and see the world swipe left on him. *swipes left*
The housemates are then asked to choose one housemate each from their groups who did not perform well in the task. Both groups base their decisions on random causes (like the intense tossing of a tissue box) and eventually choose Swami ji and Monalisa who are to then live in the jail for an indefinite period of time. Monalisa almost volunteers to go in there obviously so that she can continue her dance practices with no interruptions.
Asshole Manoj (who didn’t become maha asshole in this episode yet), Manveer and Naveen get together in the kitchen and become Gossip Girls as they decide to vote out “Gori” – yes, that is the name Manoj uses for Nitibha because she apparently has a mind of her own. How could she? Why is she not blindly following the king of assholes and the princess of all evil? Nitibha is a traitor. Let’s banish her from the Asli Tatti!
We cut to my favourite part of the episode where Princess Priyanka gets all dolled up for an occasion which she previously claimed to not observe. I think it suddenly occurred to her that it will help her get extra footage, and boy, she was right. While telling the camera how other women should also perform this pooja, she asks for them to also vote for her.
She walks to the perfect dhongi Swami ji and asks him to pray for her family. I love the conviction that she has in Swami ji. What does she want her family to be blessed with? A bucketload of tharak? Swami ji recites some mantras but Priyanka insists that Lopa and Rohan go away because she claims “Mujhe andar se nahi aa raha?” I know kya andar se nahi aa raha: Insaniyat. Monalisa refuses to shut up while Swami ji and Priyanka do their pooja claiming that Priyanka´s pooja is fake and laughs and ridicules the situation. She claims that because Priyanka didn follow all the protocols, her pooja can’t be real. Bani eats an apple during this heated argument. I love how she actively contributes to all the matters in the house. Eating an apple is tough. She does it. Yay. #WomenPower
Manveer and Gaurav get into a heated discussion about Monalisa’s comment. Lopa chimes in and questions Manveer’s blind support for Priyanka. Priyanka laughs in the background, Monalisa cries, and well, Bani seems to have finished eating that apple. #Roadies
Karan and Priyanka receive photos from their families and get emotional. The moon rises and Priyanka rushes to Swami ji to get blessed again and Swami ji blesses everyone with more oorja (and of course, more tharak).
We zoom into the moon and wish that the self proclaimed chaand of the house, i.e. Priyanka chhupe baadal main. Someday.
Yours bitchfully,
Bitch Boss.
PS: Did you know that Kashmir is home to tourist attractions such as Dal Lake, Nagin Lake, Mughal Gardens, Dachigam, Gulmarg, and Sona Marg?
PPS: Now you do.