As you must have heard, Homi Adajania is remaking The Fault In Our Stars, the upcoming movie Bang Bang is a remake of the Tom Cruise–Cameron Diaz starrer Knight And Day, and Dharma Productions is remaking the Hollywood movie The Warrior with Akshay Kumar and Sidharth Malhotra. While this trend of remaking Hollywood movies (with their permission, for a change) seems to be a nice idea as long as the directors adapt it as per our likes, there are a few Hollywood movies that shouldn’t really be touched. There are many rearsons, but the main factor is that some movies are just not meant for our tastes, you know what I mean? You don’t? Read and you’ll know.
P.S: I don’t in anyway mean we don’t have the brains to understand these movies because we totally do (I and many movie lovers are true blue, proud desis) but this list consists of the movies I know will not find a lot of takers in India because we have our own crazies (read: Bigg Boss) and don’t really need more!
1) 1984
Long back I had included this George Orwell book in my list of books Bollywood should totally make movies on, but a kind person commented on the post and pointed out that this masterpiece is very difficult to adapt for a feature film. I wasn’t too convinced by the comment until I decided to watch the movie adaptation Nineteen Eighty Four made in the year 1984! Let’s just say I finally realised that some movies sound better on paper than on-screen. I really doubt Bollywood will be able to make this one.
Also Big Brother is watching you! #NeverForget.
If Bollywood DOES make it, the movie title will be Unees Sau Chaurasi and Big Brother will be known as Bade Bhaiya, leaving makers with no option but to cast Salman Khan in it. #BhaiRoxxxx
2) The Devil Wears Prada
You know what, we (by we I mean Bollywood) might just find a nice Andrea (played by Anne Hathaway) and Emily (played by Emily Blunt)… but can we ever find a suitable Miranda Priestly? I think not.
If Bollywood DOES make an adaptation, it might be called Shaitan Pehenti Hai Prada, leaving no other option but to force Kanti Shah (who made Gunda) to helm this project.
3) Gone With The Wind
Forget Bollywood, even Hollywood can’t re-make their own masterpiece!
If Bollywood DOES make their own version, it might be called Hawa Ke Saath Chala Gaya, making Rhett Butler sound like a kite or a piece of cloth. Something he is definitely not.
4) A Clockwork Orange
Not only is our Censor board eons behind the current generation, I really can’t see anyone play the sociopathic delinquent Alex who likes committing the worst crimes known to mankind to the tune of Beethoven’s music. Can you?
If Bollywood DOES make this one, what on earth would we call it? Naarangi Ghadi? Am I making sense? Is the sky still blue?
5) The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Well, for starters, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was all set to be released in India, but sadly the Censor Board didn’t allow it to be released without a few cuts and the director David Fincher was like “whatevz I ain’t cutting my movie, suffer losers” (not quoting him, just think this is what he must have said). The people who lost were the audience. Sadly, even though I see Kangana Ranaut as the ideal Lisbeth Salander, the violence, the undercurrent and the revelation of the suspense this movie revolves around on will be too much for our censor board to bear!
If Bollywood DOES make an adaptation of this book, I say we call it Agnimukh Fetkar Godna Waali Ladki. No seriously, I’ve asked my mom!
6) Requiem For A Dream
The movie had issues with securing a release in America, THAT’S how dark it is. No Bollywood takers for this, we like happy endings. Make sure you watch your favourite comedy show/movie/play after watching Requiem For A Dream.
If Bollywood DOES make a version of this crazy movie would be Sapno Ka Requiem. Don’t call me lazy, I did Google the Hindi word for requiem – it’s maratatma ke liye prarthana samaroh. Yes, that.
7) Trainspotting
Sex, drugs, more drugs, fighting for drugs, lying for drugs, dying for drugs, jumping into a toilet for drugsc (yes), Trainspotting is a movie that comes once in lifetime, and is a movie that shouldn’t really be messed with.
Don’t think the water will be this blue inside Indian drainage!
If Bollywood DOES make a version of this, then Renton and gang will be settled in Varanasi or Manali by now (if you know what I mean) and no don’t ask me the Hindi name for this, I have given up.
8) 50 Shades Of Grey
We’ve just moved on from the two flowers pollinating as a metaphor for sex scenes in India, let’s not push our luck and expect a BDSM based romance to be made here just yet. Although, we have cast the Bollywood version in our blog, and that definitely seems cool!
If Bollywood DOES make Fifty Shades, it’ll obviously be called 50 Chhayakaran Sleti Rang Ke. Sleti means Grey and I know you guys are desperate to meet Chetan Sleti, out Indian Christian Grey. Why name him Chetan you might ask? Why not, I’ll say!
9) Kill Bill I & II
Now even if Priyanka Chopra decides to say yes to my Bollywood re-telling of Kill Bill, it won’t work. I might have to change the ending a bit and make Beatrix Kiddo feel bad for what she’s done to Bill (even if he has nearly killed her) and make up with him for the sake of their daughter. Small family, happy family.
If Bollywood DOES make this movie I’d sell my kidney to pay for a movie named Bill Ko Maar Daalo!
10) Almost Famous
We don’t have groupies yaar. Forget groupies, we don’t even have rockstars yaar! What remake of Almost Famous will we create?
If Bollywood DOES make this rocking movie it’d be called Lagbhag Mashhoor, and the ‘rockstars‘ here will be Ghazal singers. Ooh yea.
Now you tell me, which Hollywood movies do you think will be a disaster if remade in Bollywood?