Woop di Woop. The Euros are on! You’d think I’m obsessed with fashion by how much I babble, but it’s actually football — specifically Real Madrid — that consumes me for the best part of my waking hours. SO, when MissMalini let me take over this post from her, I couldn’t be more thrilled.

Erm, actually I sort of broke out into a rather unladylike sweat and squealed like wild boars at an everything-must-go mud & slop sale ‒ ‘cos football and scrumptious men go hand-in-hand. Just how do you select the ten yummiest man candies at the Euros? But girlfriends, this is it. Here are the first five — get ready to drool 😉

Xabi Alonso

Right at the top of the man candy food chain — defo for me, at least — is Spain’s answer to James Bond, Don Draper and all specimens exquisite. Yep, Spain’s no. 14 is my man. His chiselled profile is mesmerising. Whether it’s shooting for editorials or product shilling, he’s on par with supermodels — all the way.

On field, too, he’s posing, standing hand-on-hips, most of the time. Muy jefe! His passes are as elegant as Roger Federer’s backhand, as lethal as Gasol’s hook shot and as precise as Tiger Woods’s swing.

Off the field, he’s all class, too. He always tries to behave impeccably and be as respectful as possible. He’s faithful and true. He’s so nice and sincere that it hurts. He smells of Chanel Allure. He’s into Mad Men and Dexter. He never travels without his MacBook (“[…] pack it in before anything else.”). He’s a voracious reader. He’s got three-quarter of a university degree on psychology & business. He tweets with correct grammar and the works. He describes himself as old school. He’s a big foodie (“I go crazy!”). He’s into all things refined like gourmet food, champagnes, fine wine (“a good Ribera del Duero or a Mauro, and I’m happy”), museums, art galleries and so on. And dress he does. To GQMF standards. In a clean and uncomplicated style. (“I am very classical, I like the detail and care what I wear, I love watches and shoes, but I’m not a fashion victim. I am very clear on what I like and what I don’t, and in that way I rely on my gut feelings: I would never wear a fur coat.”) ¿¿¿Cómo no te voy a querer???

Xabi’s intimidatingly perfect *sigh*. Just look at this shoot he & his missus, the lovely Nagore Aranburu, did for Vogue España. It’ll leave your timbers shivered. He’s truly superior to all other life forms. Put him on a stamp, give him the right to print money, give him his own monarchy.

Mats Hummels

But if you like your ‘baller to be bit of a hipster, there’s Germany’s Mats Hummels. Just 23-years of age. His curly mop of hair’s simply to-die-for. He’s tall and skinny — just the way I like my men. And he gives smouldering gazes at the camera.

Oh, he’s a beast of a defender, too. Look out for Germany’s no. 5!

Niko Kranjčar

There’s something about Niko Kranjčar. The “something” I’m talking about is a delectable combination of physical attributes from this fine Croatian midfielder. The eyes. The couldn’t-care-less hair.

The hobo look that would normally give me the stabbies. The fact he obviously doesn’t take himself seriously. And I love that he’s a bit emo. Except if it’s due to crapollocks injuries. And oh, he’s single and ready to mingle.

Before you accuse me of being marginally shallow, I must insist otherwise. I am shamelessly shallow — and thus, one of the reasons why there is so much Niko love in me, is because of his simply thightastic kickers.

But he rarely Takes. His. Kit. Off. This makes my objectifying of his personage more of a challenge.

Not least, this romantic free-wheeling French poet stand-in is a joy to watch in the middle of the park, just like his compatriot Luka Modric, who I think is simply poetry in motion. FYI, Niko’s Croatia’ no 19 😉

Olivier Giroud

I love this guy’s strong-jawed face and so does the camera. Olivier, like his countrymen Yoann Gourcuff (who’s sadly missing in Euro action), is sophisticated hot; a smooth-as-butter ‘baller with dimples that take my breath and oxygen mask away.

Not only does he get my bona-fide fine backing, he got his country’s sexy seal of approval, too, who voted him the sexiest footballer in 2011.

Dubbed the ‘French David Beckham’ by his own domestic press, he’s tough and is always ready for action. At just the ripe age of 25, France’s no. 9 has plenty of mileage left on his washboard abs.  And Premier League fangirls, rejoice — he’s on his way to Arsenal. Happy drooling 😉

Gerard Piqué

If you like your ‘baller with boyish good looks and a mischievous twinkle in the eyes, Mr Shakira is your man.

Spain’s no 3 is undeniably hot stuff. And he’s ready for action any time of the day.

P.S. BRB with another 5 sizzling ‘ballers… 😉