In tribute to Ashwin Mushran’s hilarious Guest Celebrity Blogger: Item-ize This! another blog by Freudian Slip. Be a Bollywood blog-ibutor on MissMalini.com

Being  a Bollywood actress is all about where you stand on the hotness ladder. The minute the signs of aging/cellulite start to show, our  actresses are banished to mother roles which is why we’ll never have our  own Meryl StreepHelen Mirren or  or even SJP. Our heroes on the other hand, we are far more accepting of. How else do you explain the paunchy 60-something phenomenon known as Rajnikanth? Or the fact that Sanjay Dutt (complete with sagging man-breasts) starred opposite the gorgeous, far younger, former Miss Universe Lara Dutta in Blue?

But in the spirit of fairness: if Bollywood objectifies its women, it’s not afraid to occasionally do the same to it’s men too. Which is why, every once in a while, we are provided with: a male item number! (And no, Wallah Re Wallah where both Salman Khan and Akshay Kumar had their stellar six-packs disappointingly covered in garish floral clothing does NOT count!) Here are my Male Item Number Awards.

Dhoom Again aka ‘The Mother of All Pelvic Thrusts’

Hrithik Roshan is, after all, the ultimate item boy! On principle, I’d prefer the choreographer keeps the steps a bit subtler. However, put Hrithik in a torn white vest and have him making bedroom eyes at the camera, and I will happily reconsider my principles. Can you blame me? Actually I suggest you stop reading this right now and just watch the song.

Shut Up and Bounce aka ‘Everybody’s Happy’

Shut Up and Bounce wins this award because it tried so hard to please everyone. It gave the women John Abraham (henceforth known as the vision in yellow swimming trunks) and the men Shilpa Shetty, who looked so hot that I’m sure her Yoga DVD sales skyrocketed shortly after. Oh, and for those who like their men a little hairier and au naturel there was the adorable Abhishek Bachchan (although thankfully, he kept his shirt on.) Catchy tune, beautiful beach backdrop, a few dozen white women in bikinis and everyone is happy! Special mention to the cool pink car (where can I get one?)

Dard-e-Disco aka ‘Keep Your Shirt On’

The wonderful thing about this song is Farah Khan’s trademark choreography plus tongue in cheek lyrics and hilarious costumes. On the flip side Shah Rukh Khan’s shirtless sex appeal (or lack thereof). I like the man, I really do, but his was the most disappointingly over-hyped 6-pack ever.  SRK is SRK because he has a great onscreen charisma, but for an item number he just didn’t deliver the goods. Looking more sick than sexy. I thought he was way hotter as the brooding, bearded Kabir Khan in Chak De! India, even without taking his shirt off.

Jabse Tere Naina aka ‘Artsy Item Boy’

Only Sanjay Leela Bansali could take an item number and turn it something as beautiful as this. The lean, long-limbed Ranbir Kapoor looked absolutely delicious dancing to the melodious, romantic tunes of jabse tere naina amidst all the pretty blues and greens. The fact that he dropped his towel every now and again also helped.

Bachna Ae Haseeno (in Luck by Chance) aka ‘The Item Number That Could Have Been’

I’m a huge Farhan Akhtar fangirl, so I was deeply disappointed that this item song did not materialize. It was so promising: a comic scene leading to several shots of Farhan riding a horse and working out, set to the tune of Bachna Ae Haseeno. But alas, it was not to be. About 20 seconds after it started the music abruptly ended  Still, there were plenty of item-worthy moments later in the movie: Farhan running out of the shower in a towel and coming out of the pool; definitely paisa vasool.

P.S. This was written in jest and is meant to be read with a sense of humor. I don’t mean to offend anybody.