Where do I start? With the fact that this ‘roast‘ with two of the biggest stars in this country was the best thing to happen on the Internet; OR that the jokes cracked by and on Karan Johar made me laugh so hard, my mum thought I was having an attack of some sorts!
If you haven’t seen it already, please stop everything you’re doing and spend the next one hour of your life laughing your ass off. If you have, here are the top 29 jokes cracked during the night, because this was indeed besharmi ki height. #SorryNotSorry.
1) Karan Johar: I’m not saying Ranveer does shit films, but truly, the last good thing he was in, was Deepika Padukone.
2) Karan Johar: Arjun Kapoor once upon a time, you used to be fat and ugly, well done on the weight loss! You dropped those kilos faster than Deepika dropped her dating standards.
3) Karan Johar: In 2 States Arjun plays a punjabi boy who falls for a hot south Indian girl. So basically he plays Boney Kapoor.
4) Karan Johar: Ashish Shakya is so black, his mother screened him for ebola when he was born.
5) Ashish Shakya: Now before I start, I want to thank everyone on the panel for coming out today and Karan for not.
6) Ashish Shakya: Parineeti Chopra is not here tonight because we told her she’d be fu%*ed by 10 dudes in front of 4,000 people. Karan Johar is here tonight because we told him he’d be fu%*ed by 10 dudes in front of 4,000 people.
7) Ashish Shakya: Abish Mathew is so unattractive, he was an altar boy for 7 years and not one priest molested him.
8) Ashish Shakya: Rohan Joshi, the only reason you’re famous is because you dated Alia Bhatt’s sister. You’re like the Robert Vadra of comedy, except you have no money.
9) Ashish Shakya: Ranveer, you did an ad for Durex – it was the first time I saw a condom being endorsed by an STD
10) Ashish Shakya: I’m not saying Ranveer is hyper, I’m just saying Preity Zinta tried to snort him backstage.
11) Karan Johar: (On Raghu Ram), you look like Vishal Dadlani got chemo.
12) Raghu Ram: The last time I saw so many ch**ts in one place, I was auditioning them.
13) Raghu Ram: (On Rohan Joshi) he’s so townie, he thought Malad is something lawyers say in court!
14) Raghu Ram: Ranveer, I’m not saying Arjun is getting sick of you but soon he’s going to leave you for Virat Kohli.
15) Raghu Ram: In Lootera, Ranveer digs a long, underground tunnel somewhere in Bengal. This only goes to prove that no matter how remote, dangerous or smelly; if there is a hole, Ranveer Singh will enter it.
16) Khamba: (On Roadies being held in the United States) Congratulations Raghu on getting the biggest bunch of assholes to enter the United States after 9/11.
17) Khamba: Seriously Masand, stop calling yourself a journalist, every time you call yourself a journalist, ISIS beheads one. Alia in the front row has no idea what ISIS is. Alia just to clarify, some of the products in your kitchen have the ISI mark and that is different. ISIS is a terrorist organization.
18) Khamba: You know Karan Johar is now best friends with Anurag Kashyap so that he can get him some ‘indie cred’. It’s the first time in Bollywood, someone has slept their way to the bottom.
19) Khamba: Honestly, we wanted Ranbir Kapoor for the show, but we could only manage Ranveer, which is also what Deepika did, so I guess that’s fine.
20) Rohan Joshi: In Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham an enormously fat child magically grows up to become Hrithik Roshan. You bast#$d, you ruined Tanmay’s life! He just sat there, waiting to be transformed.
21) Rohan Joshi: Ashish Shakya is so black, he should be sitting in a Swiss Bank account.
22) Rohan Joshi: Ranveer is such a pervert, that photograph of Deepika Padukone in the Times Of India was taken by him.
23) Abish Mathew: Arjun, it’s good you’ve lost weight and are now dating Sonakshi Sinha. But we know they’re all rumours because you’re not allowed to touch carbs.
24) Abish Mathew: Ranveer how does it feel to be the only sad person in the country every time Virat Kohli scores a century?
25) Aditi Mittal: Abish, if a girl has sex with you, she becomes a virgin again. You are literally a hymen repairman.
26) Aditi Mittal: Deepika, as a woman I want to say thank you, you’re taking one for the team. Thank you for keeping him off the streets.
27) Tanmay Bhat: Arjun your smile is so creepy, when you smile, even Shakti Kapoor checks his top button.
28) Tanmay Bhat: Ranveer you’re such a sleaze you didn’t get turned on till Deepika used pepper spray on you.
29) When Ranveer came in front of Karan on all fours and Karan said: ‘that’s my position Ranveer’ *slow clap*
Trust me, I had to edit out A LOT of things, otherwise this post would have been close to 3000 words long!
I loved this roast and I really hope AIB makes this an annual thing.